The emotional roller-coaster of caregiving is a topic that could endlessly be talked about and yet never gets old. My journey started suddenly when I, an only child, was thrust into the role of caregiver after my 57 year old mother had a massive stroke. During the first few months, in the midst of absolute chaos, I became a robot that seemed only to be programmed to “get things done”. Of course I FELT everything. But at that time, I didn’t have the opportunity or luxury to fall apart. I wanted to to. Oh, believe me, I wanted to fall apart. I wanted to curl up in bed, pull up the covers, and never come out. I wanted to quit, give up, scream for help, yell at everybody, self-destruct, and in rarest form-even die.
I knew about the 5 stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance) and I knew, eventually, I’d get around to all of them. And I did, although not at all how I expected. I thought you go through one stage and then move on to the next one. For me, the 5 stages of grief became a roller-coaster ride that had loops, went forward, then went back, and criss-crossed in every direction. And on this roller-coast ride, you can’t get off.
People always say “time heals all wounds”. I wonder if those people were ever caregivers or had ever lost someone they love. I don’t think that grief or loss goes away. I don’t know that true “Acceptance” ever happens or more importantly- stays. I think that over time, you learn to live with loss better than you had in the beginning. But at any given moment, you can still be thrust right back to feeling a roller-coaster of emotions all over again. We do keep going though. We are resilient creatures who even during times of despair, are able to pick ourselves up again and face the coming day. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. It is a personal journey that has no rulebook.
As for me, I am still on the roller-coaster, albeit, its a slower ride than it used to be. I still feel all the 5 stages of grief (and frankly probably a dictionary more of emotions) but these days I take it with a little more stride. I actually look forward to the occasional “weekend of depression” that I allow myself to have. These days when I cry, I feel relief. And when I feel angry, I know it’s ok and it will soon pass. As for living- and I mean LIVING- “Sometimes surviving is all the living I can handle” (OTH). Amen to that.
So important that you get that time to just let it all go and feel some relief from the stress and depression. I know all too well what you are talking about. I had no idea that your mother was so young a person and that makes it even harder, in my opinion. Getting it all out on paper or by any venue helps a whole lot. Right now I feel like my roller coaster is stuck on the top and getting ready to fall to a screeching stop with loss at the end. I dread it. Hang in there. : )
to all of you out there who are care giving
i tell you the truth, as i have been doing this for years and years… there is no right or wrong!!!
there is the best of your abilities and the most of your emotional love one can give… it comes and it goes,,but i repeat,, there is no right or wrong…
be kind to yourselves,, and make sure every single day,,,
you eat the healthiest of foods, stay away from too much caffeine, and if you want, have a minimum of alcohol shared with good friends.. do not drive afterward, and always, get into bed earlier than you planned too. check the local movies, and do not watch the evening news before going to sleep… usually very disturbing, and as you have already had a difficult day,,, who needs it????
one thing,, do not forget,,, always tell the ill person in your life you love them,, even when sometimes you are not happy to be with them that day,, it just feels good to know, you said that,, oh yes,, and always tell your dear friends who are there because they want to be,,how much you love them too,,, they are the ones who are your deepest healthy relationships,,
like my grandma always told me,, “real love is being there, even when you don’t want to be”. showing up is being alive and filled with such peace when all is said and done…
have a good week and take care of yourself!!!
care givers;
forgot to suggest to all of you out there,,,,
aside from eating well, being with good dear friends,,,
going to bed early…..
at least once a day, no matter where you are,,, walk, run, hike, walk, walk and then walk some more… if only for a half an hour,, or a flight of stairs, up and down the hospital, house, or neighborhood,,, do it… and then do it again, if you feel refreshed… works wonders,, keeps the stress away, and god knows,,, helps with an extra pound we want to shed… just do it,,it feels so good,,,, helps sleep at night, and makes one feel they did something powerful for themselves…
also,, if able,, go to the local parks,, it is free, it is beautiful, it is filled with little children that are happy, and makes you feel so glad to be alive, and makes one remember, there is a tide of life,, and i time for everything…
listen to wonderful music in your ears, and no matter what the choices,, change it from time to time.. some days one needs, up and others sometimes, quiet classical does the trick… just do it!!!!
be kind to yourself and