Caregiver Stress is something we all have. And unfortunately it is here to stay for as long as we are caregivers. I always hear “You have to do something for yourself or take time for yourself, etc.”. I typically say “I know” and sigh. I know I should be making myself more of a priority- but easier said than done. It’s hard to find the time, especially now that I am both working and caregiving. But the truth is, as much as I don’t like to hear it, it is important- no it is a necessity- to make time for yourself if you want to avoid a total burnout. I have to admit, I am not the expert at doing this myself. Sometimes I literally have to force myself to ignore all the things that need to be done and concentrate on doing something nice for myself. Recently, my best friend has resorted to sending me text messages acting as ” my conscious” telling me to go get a pedicure or buy myself flowers. Luckily for me, I have a best friend who would do that; unluckily for me I actually need that push in order to do it. The luxury of having freedom and a ”me-centric” lifestyle are long gone. But that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t have or feel guilty for having as much as my own life that I can get. Albeit, I don’t exactly have a lot of time for a “life” but when I do- those moments are that much sweeter because I don’t take them for granted anymore.
Here are just a few things that I personally have done that make me feel like a person again and help me to be refreshed to face the ongoing stress of caregiving:
- Go to a spa day. Ok so I haven’t had whole day- but in the caregiving world- an hour of pampering feels like day.
- Spend some time with a friend. Talk about what you are going through but its good to hear about them as well. Some of my friends seem scared to tell me about their problems, but I actually welcome it- it makes me feel good to be there for them and it gets my own problems off my mind.
- Try to get outside. Enjoy the outdoors. I have a dog, so I go to the dog park when I can. It’s a joy to watch my dog have fun and it makes me remember the little things that really make me happy.
- Go on a date- whether it’s something new or an existing relationship. It’s amazing how much better a little romance can give you.
- Take up a hobby- new or old. I have a million, but recently I started knitting again and playing video games (I know- a little weird to like both but I have many interests).
- Go to see a therapist. I see one that specializes in caregiving, grief, and loss. This may not seem like “me” time but believe me- it is. I go one hour a week and every single time I hate when my hour is up. If it were up to me, I would have her move in with me (joke).
- Try something new that you always wanted to do. This will give you a sense of accomplishment for your own goals. Before I started working and was caring for my Mom full-time- I got an online Spanish program. I had always wanted to learn and it felt great to do something like that. As caregivers, we put a lot of of normal lives on hold, so it feels great when you do something that otherwise you never made time for before.
- Find a support group - online or otherwise. It feels great to read what other caregivers are going through and even better if you can help someone else just by giving support. We are not alone, although many times we feel we are. Let’s rally together.
There are many other helpful tips to deal with caregiver stress. These are just a few of mine. Please leave any more tips that you have for caregivers under comments.
Great blog. thanks.
regarding other things to try. I recommend ‘guided imagery’. Guided Imagery, is a mild form of self-hypnosis. It is very effective for eliminating stress, and can be done in 15 minutes. A computer search should bring up an article or website that explains how it works and how to do it.
Personally, I have recorded a CD specifically for caregivers. caregiverrelief.com But I am sure there are similar products floating around. If interested my blog on the caregiver stress is caregiverrelief.wordpress.com.
respectfully, Donahue
Hi Sara,
You and your readers may want to check out my current blogpost, “The Caregiver’s Promise.” I think you’ll find resonance there – and perhaps in my other inspirational material, as well. Thanks for your beautiful blog…
http://www.rachelsnyder.wordpress.com
Hi Sara,
These are good suggestions. I try to go to the spa occasionally. Sometimes I just want to veg out and watch old movies. What I really want to do is get back to reading like I used to, that’s really relaxing for me.
This is a good post and it’s important for caregivers. I written some about caregiver burnout, mostly to remind myself to de-stress.
Sara.. easier said than done.. I know that is so true for me here. I never get away unless it is to the market or to pay bills. Walking helps and so does simple things like renting a movie or talking on the phone to a friend. I plan a get away day with a long distance friend about every 4 to 5 months. I t sure is nice. Right now everything is catching up with me and I think the stress has caused me to just want to sleep a lot.
I know that is awful but rest seems to relieve a lot of the tension. Hope you are well.. You and your mom take care. : )
Carol-
I hear you – believe me. I am LUCKY if I get to do one thing on my destress list every other week! And believe I know it gets annoying to constantly hear – take time for yourself! and you are thinking- yeah? HOW?
I am hanging in there. It’s a tough schedule now that I am back at work and caregiving. Sometimes its hard just to focus on one thing. But good news right now- it is Friday and tonight I get the house to myself to do exactly what I want to do: nothing!
you take care too- and keep me posted on your family and upcoming vacation.
Sara
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I understand what you all are saying but I have a mother-in-law to care for–92 years old and for some reason is concentrating on going “home”….my stress gets so stressed out…..she can’t go home as she can not walk for more than a couple of steps and won’t cook, do her laundry or even try to. She will bathe herself and dress, but that’s about it.
How do you, after one year, get her to do something besides sit in the wheel chair and sleep?
Suggestions please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sandi,
You may want to look into some respite care if you can; Medicaid and/or Medicare may cover some. And if not, if you can afford some respite care, even a couple hours a day- to help cook, clean, etc- it would do wonders for your stress level. Also, local churches and some organizitions can provide respite care as well. If that won’t work, you might want to look into a long-term care facility that can provide care. If she is 92, she just may not be able to do a whole lot. Hope you can get a break soon. Definately check out the National Family Caregivers Website as they have very helpful information @ http://www.familycaregivers.org
Hang in there!
Sara
I have read a book recently about coping with difficult aging parents and it was extremely helpful. The key word is coping. don’t try to change them. Understand where they are coming from, but decide where your boundaries are and stick to them. Do what you have to do to get through it because the frustration only leads to resentment which can burn you up.
I have learned to ignore the things my father says that used to annoy me. None of it really matters in the long run anyway. It certainly isn’t worth fighting about with him or trying to make him see the error of his ways. There is absolutely a freedom in agreeing with him no matter what when the issue at hand is unimportant.
I have learned to not make him or the situation the center of my life. It does take a bit of concentration and I’m not always good at it, but there are a couple of tips I have found helpful. One is, when you go out with friends, don’t talk about it. Truly use that time to get away from your situation at home. Take a rest from it and enjoy your time away.
Do whatever you can to get someone else in the house to relieve you. And then take full advantage of it. Go out, get away, go to work, whatever. And don’t call home. Stay away from it for that time. And don’t use it to do chores. Get away from it in your mind.
The person you are taking care of is not interested in having someone else take care of them. They want you. But you can’t feel guilty about that. Its like having a child who doesn’t want the babysitter. They want mommy all the time. And they never get tired of mommy. Even when mommy gets tired of them. Recognize that for what it is – unfounded fear. When you know they are safe and have someone responsible with them, don’t buy into that fear. They are safe.
It doesn’t have to be you all the time that is there with them. They will probably never understand or agree with that. But it doesn’t matter. Your responsibility to them is to keep them safe and healthy – you are not personally responsible for their happiness all the time. They still have some responsibility for that themselves.
Do not allow guilt to run the situation. It is the wrong emotion to drive it and it translates to resentment which ultimately backfires on the whole thing. If you are doing what you can to make the person safe and stay healthy and pay them the attention you can along with the other things that are important in your life then you are doing your job.
Remember that you have a life also, and that your life is just as important as anyone else is. Determine at a time when you can be calm and thoughtful what your boundaries are – just what you can and can’t do for that person and then stay with them.
I hope this helps. I know it’s not easy. I have to continually re-read that book for support. But I am getting better at it and when I do these things not only do I feel better but I’m sure I am better around my father as well. So we all benefit from it. Life’s lessons are not always easy, I guess.