Most of us have observed either in real life or on television two older men meeting for the first time with a bit of awkwardness. Once it is discovered that they both are veterans, an instant rapport appears. No matter how different their lives are or their backgrounds, there is a commonality between them. Someone that may stumble across these two men minutes after their initial meeting could easily assume they have been friends for years by the ease of their conversation. These men that just met could share stories and experiences that they may have not even shared with their own family members. I have never served in the military or have fought a war, but I have experienced a similar phenomenon because of my role as a caregiver.
When I would meet a fellow caregiver, an instant rapport appears. As a result, I could candidly speak of the range of emotions that I’ve experienced as a caregiver without fear of being judged. To try to have that same conversation with someone that never had to step into that role, there are too many things you have to try to explain. If you talk about your frustrations, it is interpreted as whining. Often a conversation with a non-caregiver about the rigors of being a caregiver, results in the non caregiver offering sympathies to you for a role they wonder if they are capable of fulfilling. That same conversation with a fellow caregiver, often results in laughter as you swap your ‘war stories.’
Through my own experience, I learned things about myself that at times made me feel proud and other times ashamed. I used to think that anyone could be a caregiver, it was just a matter of stepping up to the plate when needed, but I’m not so sure anymore. You do not have to be a superwoman to be a caregiver, but you do have to be willing to put portions of your own life on hold. At times I could do that cheerfully, other times with resentment. The funny thing is, I never liked the scary rides at the amusement park, and the most dreaded to me was the rollercoaster. Those few times I was coaxed into getting onto the rollercoaster, I would have to keep telling myself it would be over in a couple of minutes. Yet, here I was in the role of a full time caregiver, daily riding a rollercoaster of emotions with no way of knowing how long it would last. Some days I felt braver than others.
Hello, I appreciate this article of yours. Lots of ideas is coming up through my mind. This could add up to my informations. If your looking for more ideas or tricks you can visit our site.
Home Care Stevenage
LikeLike
Excellent website you have here but I was curious about if you knew of any forums that cover the same topics talked about in this article?
I’d really love to be a part of community where I can get advice from other knowledgeable
individuals that share the same interest. If you have any recommendations, please let me know.
Kudos!
LikeLike
if you have med issues , we use a pill box that flashes and dispenses. it takes the worry off of me
watch the video
LikeLike
I teach stress management to caregivers as a non-profit passion of mine. I am experienced in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, having learned it to deal with my own guilt, depression, and anxiety. It changed my life, and I have seen it change the lives of many others in the hundreds of classes I have taught these tools in. This article best sums up the most important tools a caregiver needs to cope with the overwhelming stress they find heaped upon them:
http://blog.athomecaresacramento.com/caregiver-stress-6-essential-strategies-deal-demands-home-care/
LikeLike
wow, just found this page. very encouraging. i am a caregiver. i was caring for both mom and dad. dad died three yrs ago. still with mom. im doing it alone. as with you all, i gave up my life to care for them, and the family dont help at all. i am 56 and feel like i need caring to at times. im exhausted. caring for her is hard, but also all the doctors, bill collectors, medical ppl, government help, etc, has made it more than a caregiving job. i have had to fight to get the help we do have. i have had to find other income and sell stuff to keep up with the medical supplies and this homested.i am beyond exhausted. its sad that sometimes i wish something would happen so i would have to be admitted to the hospital myself, just the sleep. i listen to her yelling in pain day and night. i use earplugs to drown out some of the sound. but the doctors dont care. they wont give her what she needs for pain. its just crazy. ppl and family say, just let them know if they can do anything…. but its a lie. when i ask, they have an excuse. its unbelievable. my nerves are shot and mom feels the bunt of that. i got no passiates left, and yet, here i am. unless someone has dont this before, there is no way they can understand how hard it really is. im hanging in there, but dang hard for sure. i think im gonna like this blog. reading some of what other ppl say makes me feel a little less alone.
LikeLike
Wow, you sure have a lot going on. A close friend of mine said, ‘don’t count on anyone, then you won’t be let down.’ I know that isn’t true 100% of the time, but when you are a caregiver, it is easy to feel all alone. I do not want to add to your pile of daily chores, but if you have a local department of aging in your community, give them a call. There resources are stretched thin, but sometimes you hit the jackpot in getting at least a little help. My mother-in-law was on the wait list for a couple of years before we got help, and it was a lifesaver when it came. In my area, the program has expanded as there is a lot more information on caregiver’s now, so it’s worth a call. I know sometimes one more phone call can be enough to put your nerves over the edge. Hand in there Marie, you are only one human and you can only do what you can do. I’m so sorry your Mom is in so much pain. No wonder you are exhausted. I hope you know there is an entire community of caregivers that understand your emotions and do not judge you. A non caregiver would be shocked by what you said, but anyone that has been in the role of a caregiver for a length of time understands. Thank you for your honesty.
LikeLike
Learn from my mistake – if you are working independently in a personal home or residence, do not accept a position unless you have been shown proof that home owners insurance includes coverage for you in case you are injured! Read my Blog!
http://anunlikelycaregiver.wordpress.com/
LikeLike
Hi, Carol! Thanks for sharing. 🙂
I’m sorry things have been so tough for you. Your parents are so blessed to have you; and I hope that you can find the support and additional friendships to get you through this time in a way that makes your caregiving responsibility a memorable one with little to no regrets!
I’m a 45-year-old married woman who has been taking care of her parents in varying degrees for 13 years as well. My dad passed suddenly in 2009 and my mom was in assisted living for five years, at which time I had to get her out of there due to her health deteriorating and not getting the additional care I had hoped for.
As of today, we are starting our fourth year of her care. She has three wonderful attendants that have been so dedicated to keeping her home that when I think about it, I get very emotional!
My mother had a stroke in 2008 that caused her to not be able to walk without support and definitely not bathe or toilet without assistance. In addition to her physical limitations, she is insulin dependent, receiving shots four times a day. So with all of that on top of her vascular dementia, she basically needs 24/7 care.
My list of caregiving woes include: a disgruntled husband; not having a master bathroom; averaging 4 to 6 hours of sleep; attendants not being able to come last minute or needing to be off and there are no backups available; the difficulties of having non-family members in your house taking care of things; i.e., not being able to find the measuring cups, etc; did I mention sleep deprivation?
There are days when I’m so tired, because she isn’t sleeping well, that I just want to cry. I go through bouts of guilt because lack of sleep makes me depressed and want to quit; want my freedom; want to run away; switch places and have her take care of me for a couple days. But it only takes one good night’s sleep and her precious smile for me to know that I’m going to make it; to remind me I’m so glad I’m in a position to be able to help her to this extent.
So keep the faith, fellow caregiver! You can do it!
Blessings over you and your family!
P.S.: Blogging is a new thing for me, but I stumbled over this today in my favorites and thought I would reach out.
LikeLike
Wow… blogging is new for me as well Lorraine. I cannot believe that I stumbled upon this and your post is so recent. Your caregiving woes describe mine to a tee minus the disgruntled husband since he is the one I am actually taking care of. While there is no way that I could manage without our homecare service, I can certainly identify. I have experienced everything that you mentioned right down to looking for the measuring cup. Thank you so much for reaching out.
LikeLike
Your guilt is NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL. Sometimes some strange thinking, emotions etc. pass through our brains and we feel bad for thinking things. You are in a stressful, stressful, stressful situation!! Three times is for emphasis! Keep up the good work! Michele
LikeLike
Hi, I am an only child, about to turn 50, who has been looking after her aged, sickly parents for the last 13 years. I gave up a home and a life overseas to do this. I have mostly done it alone. Some days are worse than others. Some days I’m fine, and some I feel like I have completely lost myself. The lifestyle of caeregiver and the place I live are not conducive to me finding a partner, which has been terribly difficult to live with. Apparently most people polled do not want wish to date people who live with their parents!
Lately it has all been wearing me down. It’s been going on for so long now. It does help to talk to people who understand. Some friends, while well-meaning, don’t get why I just can’t pick up and go somewhere else where I might fit in better and find some happiness for myself. I have a few friends who have done it, who GET it, it helps so much just to be able to talk to them. I’m looking forward to exploring this page, and other resources I might find out there on the internet(There seems to be no caregiver support groups in my area, so the internet will have to suffice for now.).
Best wishes to all you caregivers out there-we are Da Bomb!
LikeLike
How frustrating, the unknown and what you cannot control. So sorry how your life has changed this way. One thing I learned a while ago, when you can, explain things to show how it benefits him. For instance, ‘I understand the catheter may be uncomfortable, but it is what is best for you.’ The longer you are dealing with a serious chronic health problem, it seems like it is hard to think beyond yourself sometimes. At least that is what I have observed. Take care.
LikeLike
Ive been a caregiver for my husband for the past four years. He had a stroke and his general health continues to decline slowly. At first his balance was the major concern but over the years his ability to dress himself, use the restroom and carry on conversations have also been affected. I often wonder how much he understands about his situation. Sometimes I ask him a question and he does not respond until much later in the day. When we finally tried a catheter, he was very confused about why we thought he needed one. We tried to explain that he had been totally incontinent for two years and how it was limiting us from going anywhere because he often wet through his Depends. He insisted that we were exaggerating. Sometimes I just want to yell “I know you are in there!!!”but then I wonder if he is. Is he trapped or missing? I just wish I could be in his head for one day so I really knew what he understands.
LikeLike
Hi jmr07. I realize that it has been a while since yo wrote this post so things may have changed significantly for you by now. My situation is very similar to yours and at this time, I can assure you that my husband is definitely in there. For how much longer, I have no idea. I would love to know how where your journey has taken you and your husband
LikeLike
Medq pill box is the answer to your worries
LikeLike
January 20, 2012
MED-Q has been designed to ease the burden of Caregivers. The fact of the matter is more than 65 million people, 29% of the U.S. population, provide care for a chronically ill, disabled or aged family member or friend during any given year and spend an average of 20 hours per week providing care for their loved one. All this is done with out the help of a reliable, affordable way to ensure Medication Compliance.
Caregivers are over worked, underpaid and under appreciated. In a busy world they forget to remind others to take their medication properly. With the Med_Q Pill Box Compliance System forgetting becomes virtually impossible. The “All-in-One” electronic Pillbox Dispenser reminds you with dual alarm technology. You set the alarms for the times you choose and they will remind you with a flashing light on the individual box that needs to be taken, This is MED-Q’s patented LED-Litebox Technology. The unit has an audio alarm as well Why is there a need for MED-Q, the statistics are staggering:
• A wife’s hospitalization increased her husband’s chances of dying within a month by 35%. A husband’s hospitalization boosted his wife’s mortality risk by 44%.
Nicholas D. Christakis, Professor, Health-care Policy, Harvard Medical School, Boston and Suzanne Salamon, M.D., Associate Chief, Geriatric Psychiatry, Beth Israel eaconess Hospital, Boston,New England Journal of Medicine, Feb. 16, 2006
• 20 hours per week is the average number of hours family caregivers spend caring for their loved ones while 13% of family caregivers are providing 40 hours of care a week or more
Caregiving in the United States;
National Alliance for Caregiving in collaboration with AARP. November 2009
• 36% of family caregivers care for a parent and 7 out of 10 caregivers are caring for loved ones over 50 years old
AARP. November 2009
• Women who are family caregivers are 2.5 times more likely than non-caregivers to live in poverty and five times more likely to receive Supplemental Security Income (SSI).
Study conducted by researchers at Rice University
and data compiled from the Health and Retirement Study
funded by the National Institute of Aging and conducted by the University of Michigan, 1992-2004
• 47% of working caregivers indicate an increase in caregiving expenses has caused them to use up ALL or MOST of their savings.
Evercare Survey of the Economic Downturn and Its Impact on Family Caregiving;
National Alliance for Caregiving and Evercare. March 2009
• The average family caregiver for someone 50 years or older spends $5,531 per year on out of pocket care giving expenses in 2007 which was more than 10% of the median income for a family caregiver that year.
Valuing the Invaluable: The Economic Value of Family Caregiving, 2008 Update. AARP
• Nearly three quarters (72%) of family caregivers report not going to the doctor as often as they should and 55% say they skip doctor appointments for themselves.
Evercare Study of Caregivers in Decline: A Close-Up Look at Health Risks of Caring for a Loved One.
National Alliance for Caregiving and Evercare. 2006ie
• 20% of employed female caregivers over 50 years old report symptoms of depression.
MetLife Study of Working Caregivers and Employer Health Costs;
MetLife Mature Market Institute. February 2010\
• 40% to 70% of family caregivers have clinically significant symptoms of depression with approximately a quarter to half of these caregivers meet the diagnostic criteria for major depression.
Zarit, S. (2006). Assessment of Family Caregivers: A Research Perspective
• More than 1 in 10 (11%) of family caregivers report that
caregiving has caused their physical health to deteriorate.
How Do Family Caregivers Fare? A Closer Look at their Experiences. Center on Aging Society. 2005
• Family caregivers experiencing extreme stress have been shown to age prematurely. This level of stress can take as mu 10 years off a family caregiver’s life..
Elissa S as Epel, Dept of Psychiatry, Univ of Calif, SF, et al,
From the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, Dec 7, 2004, Vol 101, No. 49ch
• 66% have had to make some adjustments to their work life, from reporting late to work to giving up work entirely; and 1 in 5 family caregivers have had to take a leave of absence.
Caregiving in the United States;
National Alliance for Caregiving in collaboration with AARP. November 2009
MED-Q Pillbox Compliance System has helped people “RESOLVE TO BE HEALTHY” View at MEDQPILLBOX.com or at GETMEDQ.com
LikeLike
Thanks for checking in and writing. I hope your day is minimally stressful. Looking foward to hearing more from you in the future! Michele
LikeLike
Fairly new caregiver here. I was considering starting my own blog (for mental health ! :-)), plus, I needed to find a group online for support, so I googled “caregiver blogs” which lead me here. I am so glad – your post here expressed so succinctly what I have been thinking about. I’m so grateful you wrote this! I’ll be back! Thank you.
LikeLike