The day of Clara’s viewing was Super bowl Sunday. We had lots of support during the afternoon viewing, but a bit less in the evening once the game started. Even Zack and Mike asked they could go home to watch the game. For some that may have seemed disrespectful, but to me funerals are for the living. If that was not helping them mourn their grandmother’s passing, I was not going to insist that they stay. Alice, Clara’s old aide that had become her good friend was sitting out in the hallway. I went over to her as she was quite distraught. She expressed that she felt like Clara knew she was going to die. She said in December when she had come by for a visit, Clara asked her to get out her jewelry and take whatever she wanted. Clara only had costume jewelry, and Alice was not a big jewelry wearer. Alice felt like Clara wanted her to have something to remember her by. I was shocked to hear this but made me realize when I wondered if Clara was in the process of dying, she was wondering the same thing about herself.
In the evening, one of Clara’s granddaughter’s came over and sat down next to me. She thanked me for the care I had given her grandmother for so many years. I was appreciative to hear those words; I told her I was fretting wondering if they held me responsible for her death. She assured me she did not. Some time later, one of Clara’s daughters came over to me and asked to see me privately. The tone of her voice made me feel like there was going to be some sort of confrontation. I was completely wrong. She told me that it had come to her attention that I was concerned that they blamed me for their mother’s death. She firmly assured me that was not the case. They knew that I had done my best. I apologized that Clara fell on my watch. It felt like that part of things was settled. The next day was the funeral, it was very well supported. I went into the room to set up my funeral programs and found Maria, Clara’s last aide sitting outside in the hallway. She told me that she felt Clara knew she was going to die. I asked her why she said that. Maria said that for a couple of weeks before Clara’s fall, when Maria would be ready to leave Clara would say, “Maria, give me a hug, you never know, I might not be here the next time you come.” This was comforting yet torturous information for me to hear. The fact that Clara died under anesthesia continued to comfort me. The thought of Clara agonizing about her own death, made me feel so sad for her. I could not help but wonder how many hours she sat there by herself scared, or when she was helped to bed if she worried she might never wake up. I decided to concentrate on the positive aspect of things, that Clara did not suffer long term.
My entire account is available at http://www.createspace.com/3469034 or at Amazon.com, just type in the title of my book, LIFE WITH CLARA – ONE CAREGIVER’S JOURNEY. I appreciate all of your comments and wish all caregivers the strength they need to cope each day!
Thank u. No one ever tells me thank u so I know how u must have felt. You were wonderful. Thanks for ur kindness.
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It’s sad when someone you have been caring for leaves us, and Clara’s daughter is right, it’s certainly not your fault. Things happen that are sometimes out of our control and we can not blame ourselves. I hope that you have finally found some peace in her passing. Don’t feel sad, but as you said, funerals are for the living to grieve, mourn and celebrate their lives. Best of luck to you. http://www.homehero.org
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