As caregivers, we often (if not always) put our loved ones first. We do everything we can to help out the person we are caring for. We help them with meals, we take them to doctors, we drive them where they need to go and most of all we are there for every accomplishment and disappointment they encounter. So why is it that we get all the blame? Our families seem to criticize a lot of what we do and how we do it. No-body’s perfect; not even caregivers. But at the end of the day, we do what’s best for them. It’s us, after all, that have made the sacrifice. We do it because we love them and because we (most likely) are the ones in our family that are loyal, caring, and want to the “right thing”. On our own we are usually the first ones to feel we are not doing enough or to feel guilty over everything! So why in the world do we need more of that from our family? I guess, as a spectator, its easy to criticize what someone else is doing. After all, anyone can be a “Monday morning quarterback”.
Wow! I feel better already- venting really helps! I personally hate to be negative but… I guess sometimes you just have to get it out. And if you are a caregiver, you know! I would love to hear your thoughts and personal experiences on this. And vent if you need to!
I feel like I am the enemy. All I do is help take care of my mom but apparently it looks like I am talking advantage. I am emotionally spent. My family can be so judgemental of me. I am the one who spends time with her but it looks as though I don’t. I am very tired and sad.
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I feel the same way I have been taking care of my mother for 5 years She just had a trachetomy I get severely panic ridden and am in a very bad state.My brother attacked me by saying I wasnt there to comfort her after surgery I am falling to the wayside already guilt ridden sick and severely depressed I can defiantly relate.
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I came across your blog today. This is exactly what I feel. My father had a stroke in March of 2015. Your blog has helped
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Thank you soo much for this blog. I am just beginning to learn to relate. My husband was diagnosed with stage 3 testicular cancer a month ago and immediately began chemotherapy. To add to the fun, the tumour is blocking bloodflow (crushing veins/arteries) to the left leg, essentially crippling him. There are times he’s bedridden for days and in extreme pain.
The good news: drs fully expect to cure him and we just have to get him through this until the treatment is over.
The bad news: the usual stress and exhaustion of being the primary (young: 38) caregiver (and working 2 jobs since he can’t) AND the fun of his parents riding me like a HORSE.
God help me if something happens to their “treasure” because I’m already being constantly criticized, attacked, or guilt-tripped over everything else (up to and including the most trivial things like how I cooked a fish). And this has only been going on a couple of months.
I have one sister, one parent, and one friend of my own to support ME, as well as the fact that (when he’s well enough to think of it), he’s very appreciative. However, I’m already exhausted, emotionally drained, frightened, depressed, and utterly FURIOUS that they think this is the time to pick and pick and pick AND PICK AND PICK……rawr. It’s non-stop, unending and I’ve already blown up at them few times, which of course, DOESN’T HELP. It’s becoming a vicious circle of constant resentment and my plan from here on it is to frankly avoid them and shut out anything counter-productive to caring for my husband.
I thank god (figure of speech) that this is not expected to last long and those facing a similar situation but with a mortal diagnosis to add to their stresses have my FULL sympathy and support. Thanks so much for letting me vent and for sharing the fact that we’re not alone.
Michelle
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Hey Michelle,
I sure can relate, except that my husband’s parents have the FREE TIME and INCOME to allow them to take care of him sometimes IF THEY WANTED TO. I did have a big blowup with one of his parents after which i decided it is counterproductive, as that parent was particularly critical of my decisions. My young daughter brought it into focus when she said to me: “you know we have caller ID..” and it occurred to me, I dont owe anyone an explanation as to how and why I do what I do. Stay strong. Its funny you say God as a figure of speech. I guess you could say I’ve always been on the fence spiritually, and like others tend to use only positive experiences to verify the existence of a divine being. I know if there was one, what he would have me do. I just dont know that I can live up to whats expected of me. If this is a test, I just may fail.
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Ahhh…. Bruce! You took the words.
I, too, just found this blog, and it’s a lifeline. I’m 39. My husband of almost 16 years was in a serious car wreck last May, which left him blind and limping. We don’t know if the knees will ever heal completely, and know that the sight will NEVER come back. And our marriage was shaky before that. Now I list my location on my Facebook as “Between a rock and a hard place”, because I am now the caregiver who has to do nearly everything for him, but I’m also the one who gets held accountable if he doesn’t get something. And people keep saying, “take care of yourself”, but they only really mean, “take care of yourself, as long as it doesn’t interfere with him.”
Many days I feel as though I now have two children, with my 5-year-old being the older, and more mature, one.
So here’s my short rant. I miss:
– going to the store alone and browsing where I want to
– being able to lounge in my bed by myself after my son has gone to bed
– knowing that I can be a SAHM without guilt, because now his income is gone, and I have to walk the line between single mom (supporting a family) and married woman (not getting to flirt)
– being treated as an equal by him, instead of a servant. And being “allowed” to speak up when I do feel like I’m being treated as a servant.
Hang in there, Bruce…. and everyone else. In the immortal words of Red Green (http://www.redgreen.com, for those of you saying, “huh??”)….
“Remember, I’m pullin’ for ya… we’re all in this together.”
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what’s a SAHM?
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What a relief to find your site. I am a 43 y/o caregiver to my wife who has been sick for 6 1/2 years.
I can totally relate to your feelings of time just passing you by. It is very emotional for me to even see happy couples and realize that I am stuck in this trap for as long as it takes before getting my chance to be free and start living life again.
My wife’s disease has made her a miserable person that is condescending towards me at far too many opportunities. I try my best but any time I do anything for me (which truly is rare) I get ridiculed for it. It is as though she resents me for being healthy still.
Support for people with young sick spouses is minimal at best so I just have to continue along.
Stuff that I miss:
– coming home to a smile
– having a partner that is fun to go out with
– having anything that even somewhat resembles a sex life
– not feely guilty for buying or doing anything for myself
– having an opportunity to travel
As horrible and selfish as it sounds, I find myself looking forward to after she is gone rather than enjoying the time we have left together. I hate myself for even thinking that way though.
I have bottled up these thoughts and feelings for so many years and it actually feels good to write it out here.
More than anything your site helps me realize that I am not entirely alone…..
Okay I am done ranting – time to getback to taking care of her.
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i just found this caregivers site and read your rant. i am not sure you are still on this site but i unfortunately i am in a similar situation to what you describe. i feel all the things you feel. my husband has had cancer for 10 years. he has progressively gotten worse the last 2. there comes a time that we all have to face this. he has become so depressed and isolated and wants no one near him, not even me. he just needs me to feed him and maybe run to store for him. there is no joy bewteen us. i do love him but hate this situation.. i hate coming home. i am feeling that i cant relate to friends and others. it is too painful to see others enjoying. and not many realize what i am going thru. not sure what they think. i try and stay healthy and keep busy but it is getting harder and harder. how are you doing these days??
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Oh my, this is me but I take care of my husband, I could have written this word for word…GOOD LUCK and GOD BLESS……you are not alone…Back to taking care of him…
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I am a young caregiver of a husband with dementia. I agree with you 100% that the resources are just not available to us and whatever it is in us that makes us feel guilty for doing anything for ourselves, and that’s tha only advice we get, is to do for ourselves. Plus I have a daughter who is watching all of this. There are days where i think I dont love him anymore but I must because the idea of breaking his heart and divorcing him and sending him to live with his parents is crushing. but since i can sympathise with item #3 on your list, and all the rest of them, I wonder if doing for myself maybe means cutting ties. Sorry if this is a bit rambling, it has been 3 years since his diagnosis and thisis the first time ive said a word about it to anyone outside my family. I guess what im saying is hang in there, I dont know the answers, but i know the pain and I guess thats worth something…
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I actually had this happen to me over the weekend, while carrying for my mom. Apparently my Dad thought I wasn’t getting up fast enough to help my Mom into the bathroom, so he decided to do it himself…that was the first.
So yeah, I needed to read this today, because seriously! My mother doesn’t seem to be complaining, and despite her aphasia, she seems to be able to do that quite well.
Sorry for hijacking your comment section.
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Reggie,
It is a VERY big deal to lose a pet. They are a support to us in ways that “people” cannot.
Swifty is your best friend and believe me I know what’s its like. 6 months before my mom had a stroke, I had to make the decision to put my beloved dalmation, Cassidy, down. He was 11 years old and I loved him more than anything. He had become really ill and was no longer the dog that I knew. I had to put his quality of life over mine but I struggled with that decision and to be honest- I still occasionally feel guilty over whether I made the right decision. And a year and half later, even after everything else I have been through- it still can be very painful and bittersweet when I think of my boy, Cass. One thing that really helped me early on; I joined a pet loss support group (usually there are one or two in your local area that meet in person once a month). That was an enormous help to me and really helped me deal with all the mixed feelings I was having- especially the Guilt. My thoughts are with you and Swifty. (If you’d like to chat more about this- email me at caregiversupport1@gmail.com). Keep in touch
Also- I used to help run a rescue when I lived out west and it was a great experience. I even ended up adopting a dog that I now have- Bea. She will never replace Cass but I have no idea how I would’ve gotten through the last year without her. Thousands of beautiful animals are euthanized every year because there isn’t enough space in county shelters. For EVERYONE- please please adopt a loving pet. http://www.petfinder.com
“If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane; I would climb right up to heaven to bring you home again”.
– In memory of Cassidy, Maggie, and Claude, and Chloe
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Although I don’t have a parent that’s ill, my golden retriever Swifty has recently become quite sick, and the feelings that you have described fit into my own regret and deep despair. Although I wouldn’t be so brash as to suggest my dog is the same as a mother, or spouse, I’ve had Swifty as a best friend for almost 2 decades (regrettably much longer than any of my romantic relationships during this time).
We used to enjoy hiking, and playing Frisbee, but now Swifty can barely get off of his bed to eat food. I usually have to bring his plate over to him, cut up his food, and then drag him outside so he can relieve himself. I know he’s just an infection away from the netherworld, and that some from afar would just tell me to ‘let him go,’ but I just can’t escape the feeling that I need more time.
Putting it to paper it sounds stupid, but this ball of fur has been like a little buddha to me, and I’ll do whatever I can to keep the flame going until he heads to the big kennel in the sky.
Reggie.
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this message is for sara and anyone else, who read her recent mail. blame is not the place for anyone who is caregiving… it is a negative behavior and not fair or useful.
i have had to deal with that for a long time, but have come to know, there is no blame,, or reason for it. anyone who care gives to others, knows that we are all doing our very best, and if not,, what we do do is enough every day, to be there, love the person, and even allow us not to love the person at times. i keep telling myself,, it is not the person, but the situation that i do not love. who would?
i repeat my first statements,,, from before,,, it is allowed to be angry, it is allowed, to want to run away, it is allowed to go to others for help and support. it is allowed to hate the way your life can be at times, and it is allowed, to want out of the whole picture at times.
it is not allowed to take good care of yourself.. the facts that your body needs you too, and your spirits need refreshing daily. so i again say,, walk simple walks in the parks, smell the grass, look at the small children,,, listen to bright cheery and upbeat music in your ears, and eat well and get tons of rest when you can. have dinner or a simple meal with dear friends who really love you and are there for you. go to church, temple, sit under a tree and look upward and have your own church or temple or spiritual place to bring some harmony into your soul and always, remember,, you are the gift to the loved you you are caring for.
do not let any one blame you for anything. let them walk in your shoes .
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Amen you are absolutely correct. I seem to get the brunt of the anger she has or the frustrations one. I am the one who tells her NO and she doesn’t like that.. WHEW.. it gets real tiring and you just feel overwhelmed a lot. You get depressed and feel like no one understands because they just are not walking in your shoes. The soles of mine are getting thinner and thinner. (sigh) You write wonderfully keep it up!! 🙂
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